Wednesday, October 13, 2010

sorry 'bout this...

I have been feeling a bit trampled on...a bit lonely...i don't particularly know why either, which is annoying, so i am annoyed also.

I miss my sister and i really miss...a lot of things. Right now, for the last few years i have not been talking to my mom. Now there is a quite a lot with that, so i dare not try to stick it here. The short version is...i moved out with my sons into a very small apartment, i tried to keep my kids in contact with my mom under the condition that she didn't have ANY thing of bad sorts in their reach. it was agreed upon and visits ensued. On one of these visits i found pot plants growing on the ground of one of the closets, needless to say visits stopped. I told my mom that there would be no more visits over there, as she violated my trust and security, not to mention putting my kids at risk of getting a hold of that. so i said that if she wanted to visit them, then she would have to come over to my apartment, sober and without any kind of drugs or tools for drugs...needless to say (if you follow along) i found that crap in her backpack on the floor...where my kids were crawling...i told her that she needs to clean up her act or no more visits...

she threatened to call CPS (child protective services) on me. That was it, the straw that got the shake thrown away. i hadn't talked to her since, she hasn't seen my kids and that was a long time ago.

And yes that is the short story. The point of all this is that i was talking to my sister tonight and crying to myself because i missed her and my niece and my mom so darn bad. Of course i don't really tell her how badly i miss my mom, because that is a weakness and there is no way i am being weak for my kids, and myself...did you know that this person... my mom... offered me drugs when i was 10 years old...10! how can i say sure about you offer my kids that... i don't think so.

All these parents out there who do drugs...serious bad do they call themselves parents. Isn't it our job to make sure our kids are safe...or as safe as we can manage? Isn't it... then why are these parents raising their kids in meth houses, and offering drugs.? Like my niece... if she lived with me or was over often and i knew she was going to have to eat...i surely wouldn't go buy drugs when there is no food in the house.

ANYWAY...what i was trying to say is i have been through the ringer with my mom. and i get off the phone with my sister...fragile. And my grama calls. it is always a battle with her but i try not to let things get angry... but tonight i was just too darn sad. She started in on how i need to make up with my mom and i am wrong and this is exactly how her daughter treated her....blank blank blank...needless to say, crying and arguing on the phone is not conveying a strong nor mature person.

it just really astonished me on how she knows her daughter and knows what she went through with her...and then knows what happened between us, my whole life, and still say i am wrong. Now being completely honest, i know that the silent treatment isn't going to make her change her ways, its not even going to get her to see things through my eyes, but what it does, is to make things easier on me. I don't have to look at her and cry because she looks close to death over overdosing, i don't have to give her money for food and KNOW it is being used for drugs. I don't have to explain to my kids why grama skipped out on them. There is a whole bunch of things that i don't have to do, a ton of heartbreak i don't have to go through...

my grama doesn't understand how badly i wish that she could be half the person she was off of drugs. she doesn't know how badly it hurts my physical being, not being able to hug my mom for YEARS. but the fact of the matter is, its better this way. It is and it will be. So i got into an argument with her... it makes me really sad because she is the only other person in my family that i talk to, besides my i only have my sister. I feel so...angry. Why does she choose to turn a blind eye to this after all this time. Why does she just call to push my mom on me. Why do people try to upset you. Just why. I don't know...And to top it, i didn't even get the chance to tell her my boys should be starting preschool soon...bummer.